Life Is Like Porn: Hard And Smutty.

8:44am: *yawns*


it's 8:40 in the morning and i'm sitting in the kitchen, waiting for the chimney sweeper to finish his work. just b/c my sis was too lazy to get up this morning i had to do it to let the man inside. but it's okay, i can have breakfast and talk to my baby.
hm.. i miss him and i can't see him today. but hoefully tomorrow and we will spend the weekend together. like every weekend!

7:21am: OH MY..


I don't know what to say.. I am so happy right now.. Lying in his bed with his arms around me. It can't be any better.
I love him so much it's kinda scary.. <3

1:30pm: OH, IT IS LOVE..


i can't believe i finally found a guy who loves me the way i am. hes so sweet and nice and gah! i'm so in love! tomorrow i will see him again. it was a shitty week. he was away for work since sunday and we only had the phone to talk to each other. but tomorrow hes back and after work i will drive as fast as i can to hug and kiss him. *sighs* hes amazing!

and it feels so good to have something called "life" b/c i now i will never ever leave him! <3

4:22pm: SUPRISE! SUPRISE!


i finally forced my brother to go to the movies with me tomorrow! and we went shopping on tuesday together. hey, you thought women are exhausting while shopping?
you never went shopping with my brother!
he bought like 3 t-shirts, 2 hoodies and shoes and he was always like "meehh.. should i really buy that one.." and then we went looking for a skirt for myself and we found one.. after looking and looking and looking^^.. but then i needed a shirt or something like that and we went on looking and he was so crotchety and tired and i still had no shirt but then, in the second H&M store, i found a dress. in purple. very pretty and short^^ but i like it and he liked it too and now, together with the black skirt, i have something to wear on monday! oh and we went to starbucks of course. how could we not!

2:26pm: FUCKED & FOOLED


so i deleted him from my buddies list. i can't stand to see his name every day. i have to see his fucking face when i'm at www.lokalisten.de b/c he's still a friend of mine.
3 weeks he was nice and so cool and he told me things i never thought a guy would ever tell me and then WAHM! he fucked me and everything was over. i asked him if he want to be my boyfriend but he said no, that he needed time to think about US. but he never talked to me again. i tried talking, i did 2 times but he never replied. never.
i feel like an idiot that i trusted a guy that much and that i let him fuck me. okay, i don't regret the sex thing. i mean, c'mon, i'm not a 15-years old girl who wants to have a perfect "first time" or so with "mr right" in a room full of burning candles and stuff. it's just sex. thats all.
i will and i wont never forget that night but as nadja said last night, there will be a better man who will fuck away these memories^^


in other news:
i need to find a new job. i seriously need more money to pay my bills and stuff. but i can't find one. it's pretty hard.

3:03pm: THIS SO CALLED SUMMER


it's raining since this morning and it looks like it won't stop. amazing summer. really. i mean, i won't complain about the weather b/c i hate summer and heat and too much sunshine but rain? the whole fucking day? thank you very much.
shopping with my mom tomorrow. even i don't have much money but i wanna have a jeans skirt and i need some new shirts. and a new bracelet b/c the other one sucks. (it was a black bootlace around my wrist. what, it looked cool and nobody ever noticed^^)
i will go to iron the laundry now b/c other wise my mom will kill me and we don't want that to happen, do we?


oh and would someone please buy me the O.C. California dvd's? i really like to watch it. XD

3:40pm: BIG GIRLS DON'T CRY!


still no fucking word from him. after 10 days of silence i talked to him today but he's still idle and i'm waiting. again.
i had a day off yesterday and it was great. a little boring but okay. i cooked myself some nice dinner, had some sweet ice-tea, chocolate, chips and some good stuff on tv. and around midnight i talked to carla on the phone for like 2h.
i've been alone at home from tuesday till today and i guess i've never spent so much time in the living-room. when nobody's there i can sit there with patrick, watch on tv what i want, eat when i want to and do whatever i want. i can't do that hen someone else it at home so it was pretty cool^^
in a week my brother will be back from vacation and i will ask him to go to the movies with me. i really need to see the simpsons movie! we're also going to the THE SOUNDS on august, 13th! can't wait!



yeah, i've made love, yeah, i've been fucked, so what?

3:55pm: AND I THOUGHT GIRS ARE COMPLICATED


he needed some time on his own.
to think about us.
does a guy need to think that long? b/c i'm waiting for like 3 days now..
we had a great time, he had an amazing birthday. i mean, who wouldn't with a present like me^^ god, i love to kiss him. to smell him and to taste him and he said the same about me and there are feelings, he told me but he also said that he don't want a relationship right now b/c he doesn't wanna give up his freedom. i can understand that, hes only 20 years old but what about me and the feelings i have for him?
i fell i love with him but i'm not sure if i want something just so he has someone he can fuck from time to time. we planned to go to the movies next week but now i'm not sure if we will still go. if i can go with him, knowing that he just wants me as a friend or a fuck-buddy.
men suck.

but damn, bright eyes are amazing!

2:07pm: I'VE GOT BIRDS IN MY EARS AND A DEVIL IN MY HEART..


my room smells awfull b/c of the hair colour on my head^^ yessss, it's black again. finally!

so.. there is this guy and i really like him and he likes me and i think i'll meet him. i have to b/c he's so nice and lovely and he will feed me with strawberries^^ (we had a very hot convo last night^^) uhm, yeah.. it feels weird, kinda. i dunno. i never felt like this.. there was just this one guy who made my stomach tingly.. and this girl but that was somethin different. and now it's him and i can't stop tinking about him, even at work. *sighs*
what am i gonna do now?

6:58pm: DROOL BABY DROOL!


( some goodies for my way home.. )

2:54am: WHO'S THE BITCH ,BABY?


dear diary,
i think i'm in love again. you know him, his name is spencer and he's sooo cute.
he likes to cuddle with me, to sleep next to me and he's a really good listener but..


he's a slut.


( wanna know why? )

12:30pm:

mac 'n cheese for lunch. yay! i think it's the fourth time i have pasta for lunch this week^^
carla should be on the train right now and in 2 hours i will go and pick her up. i'm so siked! XD

my laptop has something like a spyware virus thing. i dunno how to fix that. carla and me did everything we could but we had such no luck. hopefully my dad's friend can help me. *sighs*

11:21am: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE TURN THE LIGHTS OFF?


PENG!
the bubble is gone.
what a great feeling.

10:44pm: TOO HOT FOR ANYTING! even for spencer..


it's so hot, it's not funny anymore. my room is like a sauna.. 30 degrees and more and it's not even real summer. just the beginning of june. gah. i hate it.

today i saw 300. it's a real good movie with lots of blood and men and dead ppl and stuff. they do scream a lot. after i saw the trailer i was like well, they do fight a lot so why don't watch it in english.
i'm glad i watched it in german b/c they do talk a lot in there and you really need to understand everything to get the movie right. even if the movie was in german, i was too stupid to understand it. lol. maybe b/c it was so hot today and i hadn't had enough water. yes,that's it.
tomorrow i will watch LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE and maybe SPIDERMAN 3. maybe.

so today on the news they said that there will be a huuuge thunderstorm today. there was one, a bit away from my village and it was a little clowdy this afternoon but no storm or thunder til now. but right now it's getting windy.. so i hope the storm will be here at night.

okay, so last weeked i've been at ROCK AM RING with carla! it was amazing! we had such a great time together. we saw a bunch of fucking cool bands, like THE USED, 30 SECONDS TO MARS, LOSTALONE, SUGARPLUM FAIRY, MUSE and many more. LOSTALONE were so awesome. i was first row and the singer, steven, was jumping around on the wooden stage floor like crazy. it was sooo cute!
the bad thing was that it was raining on friday. but we had this cool silver/golden sheet from a first aid kit, my mom gave us, and it was the best thing to sit on on a wet ground. some ppl asked us if we bought it here b/c they wanted one too! XD
another bad thing was that i saw one of the bitches. i passed her on sunday. and. i'm 90% sure that i have her on a pic of me. it's creepy. a festival with over 80000 ppl and carla took a pic of me and this bitch is in the background!
speeking of carla, she will be here next sunday. finally! she will stay for 8 days and it sucks that i have to work. at least i can have one, maybe two days off. we will go shopping for BUILD A BEAR and she will get a bear as her birthday present. and another present. a pillow. with peach on it. and a FFAF record. yep^^ oh and starbucks of course! our second home^^ and maybe we cn go to the park for a walk in the sun or swimming. swimming would be cool.
it's too bad that carla doesn't like THE SOUNDS b/c i love them! they are coming to hannover in august and til now i have nobody to go with. i really wanna go so badly and maybe my brother will come with me. when he likes the music.. i mean, the woman, maja, shes really hot and my brother is a man^^ maybe he will come with me just b/c of her.. would be cool b/c the ticket is only 15,50€ and it's just one hour away from here.

that's all for mow.


oh, but let me blame RYANFUCKIGROSS and his weird tatto for watching alice in wonderland today. b/c i read somewhere that there is a hatter in the movie so i watched it today. but i didn't finish it b/c i fell alseep..lol..
poor me.
stupid ryan.
seriously.
but gah!
*goes to find spencer for comforting me*



EDIT: no thunderstorm last night :(

5:03am: I'M OKAY


it's 5 in the fucking AM and i'm still awake. i'm watching the my chem dvd for about one and a half hours. i dunno when i have seen it the last time. i guess last november or so, together with carla. but i'm not too sure right now. i'm just watching it b/c i saw some my chem pics today and they reminded me of how much i used to love and adore this band. i still love them and i'm kinda sure i ever will but right now it feels a little strange. they have changed so much and as i saw some old pictures today i had to think about the old times. there were so many memories in my head as i saw these old pics, it's scary. i just have to see one fucking picture and it's like 'oh, yeah, some years ago i thought this and this' or 'man, i drooled so bad as i saw this' and stuff like that. and now i kinda can't look at them without thinking of certain people relating with hate. but it feels good in a way b/c i connect so many good things with them. maybe more than the bad things.
i havn't listened to them since april, since i saw them live. i still can't and i have to switch the channel when i see a video on mtv. it hurts. sometimes. especially when i have to see these bitches on mostly every show i went to. blah blah blah.
so it's almost over now and i'm waiting fr the stuff to work i took like 40 or 50 minutes ago. i can't sleep. i dunno why. the fucking birds are making fucking noises outside but i can't shut the window b/c then it will get too warm in here. and it's not dark outside anymore b/c well, it's 5:20 now. and the dvd ends right now. great. my eyes hurt from writing. why isn't this shit working? valerian sucks pretty much. it tastes like shit, i was about to throw up. i still can taste and smell it. disgusting. and the painkillers are't working either. there should be mind-pain-killers or so. it sucks. everything sucks at the moment. thank you.

2:40pm: C'MON.. I KNOW YOU WANT TO SHOOT ME!


i figured out that when i put my laptop in standby when i go to bed i can use him faster the next morning. wow, that sounds weird but i dunno how to say it better. poor me.


my mom bought me chocolate today. i love her. she and my dad will go on vacation tonight til sunday and my granny will take care of me and my siblings. yay. i mean, it could be worse. really.


i'm listening to butch walker again. i realy like him. he has a cool and sexy voice. and lol, it's all petes fault b/c i heard him sing on fob's new record^^


it's cool that nobody wanted to buy me BAB stuff. it's okay. really. i never expected anyone to answer. i know that nobody is reading what i'm writing here. that's why i'm doing this- so that nobody will read it but me. haha.


last night carla and me planed our trip to rock am ring (on the phone at 12:30AM for like 2h..) in like two and a half weeks. there is so much to think about and so much to buy. but we will make it. yay.

3:40am: IT'S MAY SO WHY IS IT RAINING?


okay, so i'm sorry for last night.
jägermeißter can be so bad^^ but as i said, it's all my dads fault b/c he said i can drink it and he knows damn well that when i start drinking i need a good reason to stop it.
anyway, i left a comment on souls myspace last night in my drunken state and i have to repost it i guess b/c it's all shit. but i'm sure she won't mind^^


so my grandparents are coming on tuesday. i dunno if his is good or not. but i hope that i will get some money b/c i really need money. b/c i have to pay my bills and spencer needs something to wear. he just has a casual white shirt. poor bear. seriously. but the stuff is so expensive over here. maybe i need someone from the US to buy me stuff and send it to me. that would be so cool and i would have to pay less then here in fucking germany! so who would buy me BAB stuff? please?? i would pay them and the shipping and stuff and i would do anything and love you forever. *puppyeyes*


today i recorded a story for jen. it was bad. pretty bad b/c my english sucks. i had to start like 3 times b/c it sounded like from someone from the 5th grade or so. and it still sounds that way. i dunno, i know all these words but i can't pronounce them right. i really hate that b/c f that i'm always too shy to talk in engish. that i did this for jen was a one-time-thing and i will never ever do it again^^ never.


it's 3:30AM and i really don't expect MTV to play something i like but why.. why just this hiphop shit? why? since 30minutes they just do play hiphop.. gah! it drives me nuts!
but: musicians from jersey will never drop dead. i dunno how old jon bon jovi is but he still looks hot and hes still makig music and my sis still oves him^^ like gerardthefuckerway said, jersey is like a mecca for music and it will always be.

12:38am: this is how it goes.
wow, something from billy talent amdn im gladi can typa that way b/c im reeaqlly pretty drunk.
i hadtoo much jägermeißter and now its almost 12:45 qand i dunno what to sAY. its all my dads fauls b/ches saidf that i can drink.
i will go to bed soon.. i think i should. but i planed to tell jen a story.
i will..lazter... im sorrxy...

11:55am: you really don't wanna know what's going on, do you?


so it's friday and i'm sitting in the kitchen, watching my mom making lunch. this stipid antivire always wants me to make my firewall work. i dunno whats wrong. seriously, normally the firewall should work without me turningt it on every damn time i turn on my laptop. my crazy bird henry is making noises in the background. but he's sooo cute and funny and it's nice to cuddle with him.

so let's talk about some serious things.. like.. why has a face-mask to look like cum? do you wanna put this on your face? well, i did and it was okay. it smelled like pineapple and my skin was as soft as a babies butt after that..lol..
anyways. i three weeks me and carlawill be at rock am ring nd i can't wait. damn, i'm so excited, i can't tell. but i'm afraid of the drive. it's long, over 6hours and i can't use my mom's navigation system. that sucks pretty much. but carla is next to me and now my mom is telling me how clean her oven is b/c she cleand it yesterday^^ she's crazy!

some days ago i dreamed of my two bitches. i dunno why.. maybe b/c i was talking about them that evening with kim. it was like a nightmare and i hope i won't see them at rock am ring.. *sighs*




gah! i'm hungry!

1:08am: ooookay..


ooooooooookay. well. i had a bizt too much vodka-coke tonight but: who cares? i don't and i don't care about the mistakes i'mmaikng. atleast i'm able to make a ' .. kinda.. how is a ' called>? can someone pls tell me?
last night was amazing. the evening was great! we had a lot of fun and the night was so much better.. *sighs* can't wait till next weekend!

*drtinks*

lol. i'm sorry. i doubt that someone woill read this and post a comment but its okay.iknow that i ama lonly person with no friends. yeah. that's so cool, isn't it?

okay.
bes, i know you maybe won't read this but:

I LOVE YOU

berlin is so far away. tzoo far awaay!! i need you right now right here, okay! next to me.. olver me.. you know..

gah!" i'm hungry. but i'm tooooo lazy to go downstairs to get some food..poor me.. yes.

okay, will stop now. i juste wanted to tell you.

11:45am: ladies and gents..


..may i introduce you to MR SPENCER, my new toy. god, how i love 'build a bear'! i could spend hours there to dress and undress my bear. lol yes, and again i'm 10 years old^^

so it's 11:50am and i'm awake since 10am just to call this stupid fucker from the job center to tell him that HE did something wrong. but such no luck. nobody is picking up the phone so i have to try it again tomorrow. idiot. seriously, i know i'm late with calling him (i got his letter like 2 weeks ago..) but i had stuff to do and then i forgot it and i have to send it back til friday but i can't and i'm sure he will be mad with me but it's not only my fault. gah!

on friday bes, kim and jule will come over for one night and i'm so exited! i wish it was friday already. but they will be here late so we won't have much time. but i will go to berlin next weekend and then.. then we have plenty of time^^ but right now i'm so hungry. i wish my mom would make lunch already.

4:48am: vegetables in bed are baaaaaaad!


seriously. does a cock has to be as thick as a cucumber?
thats creepy. but anyways, i had too much tonight. i'm not sure if i can sleep later.. maybe i don't wanna sleep.


*insert rolled eyes here*


i will ask my friend and my sister to go to build a bear next week. i need a new toy. i want a bear i can call spence-boy. one who looks like spence-boy.


*insert 'aaawww' here*


still 50 minutes left till i can watch saturday morning cartoons. yessss.. sometimes i'm 10 years old. lol a horny 10-year-old girl watching cartoons at 6am after watching hard gayporn.


*insert laughter here*


and now i will stop bothering you.


*insert pillow here*


good night, good fuck..uhm..fight..or so..

5:05pm: i can't think of something now..


dude, i swear you never wanna drive 3fuckinghours in a car with my siblings. i was about to kill them or to leave them on a parking lot with a tag on their backs "FEED ME!" seriously.
the one didn't like the music, the other didn't like that i smoked in my car and she couldn't and the third was pissed b/c her seat was not comfy enough.
it was hard enough to drive 3h to a funeral but this drive was more than exhausting for me. i forgot my redbul and i had just 4h of sleep the night before so i was about to fall alseep while driving. nice, eh?
thank god i didn't.


so there are a few things to do:
- buy new shirt
- buy rock am ring ticket
- rob a bank to get money to pay the repairing of my car
- rob another bank to get money for new shoes
- buy new sunglasses
- finish my story (i'm not sure how to do that. i'm not even sure if i can finish it THIS year..)
- eat supper in a few
- talk more to jen <3
- go to "build a bear" to buy me one and one for carlas birthday in june
- go to my sisters laptop to get the downloads

gah! i'm boring.
there should be written stuff like "fuck spencer senseless" or "blow ryans mind" or "undress pete"

thank you.

will someone please coment this time b/c i feel kinda stupid talking to myself in my own lj..

2:35pm: the bottles on the back of my car are having sex


okay, so can i be more disappointed than i am now? i don't think so. i mean, i love this band, really, with all my heart and soul but they fucking disappointed me last week. i want the old days back. i want small clubs and small stages. i hate huge venues. they suck! and i want mikeys glasses back. and franks piercings. damn.
aside from that, gerard made my cry like a baby. again. this fucking song. now it means so much more to me. in hamburg i wasn't able to stand anymore. i'm ashamed. sorry.

but!

it's over now and i'm happy. well, not that happy but okay.
tuesday is my first funeral ever. my granny passed away tuesday night. and because of that i have to go shopping with my brother later. he needs some black clothes. i have enough i guess^^
so.. i dunno what else to say. maybe that i wanna live in TORO CASTLE. i want KING RAY and FRANK THE HORNY PRINCE. lol. i know, but hey i will show you how it will look like. i promise^^

5:12pm: i should be happy.

but why do i always feel like shit after a show? especially today.
it sucks. really.